Who needs sanity when I’ve got yarn?
WordPress! Gaaaaaaah! I am a masochist, people. I decided that I just have to make my site look exactly the same in WordPress as it does in Blogger. Except, WordPress’ template system is a lot more complex than Blogger’s. I mean, a lot. My Blogger template was 1 file, plus 3 or 4 more sidebar files that I patched in with SSI. My WordPress template… well, so far the folder with my template stuff contains 23 files. Aaaaaaaah!
I haven’t switched yet, I’ve just been playing around in a temporary directory. After finding about 5 different ways to break and then fix my WordPress install, I got everything working, and then decided to learn everything about the template system because I hate myself. What exactly was the purpose of reading through the widgets API and then saying “fuck it, I’m not using widgets because then I can’t use conditional tags on the sidebar”?
Oh. Right. Self-hatred.
Then I have to figure out how to not lose all my subscribers when my feed URLs change; I’m going to do a 301 redirect which is supposed to automatically switch over everything, but won’t, because… well, when does this stuff ever work the way it’s supposed to? And all my old blog links will be broken… more 301 redirects, I guess… and lord knows what’s going to happen to my blog stuff on Ravelry. Sob. I don’t want to think about it.
At least I’ll be able to reply to comments. And abuse tags. And now I’ll have a proper site search! And previous/next entry links! Even though it’s making my brain melty, WordPress is pretty darn cool.
Guess what. Maddy is two rows from being bound off.
Guess what else. Maddy has been two rows from being bound off for, like, three days, and I haven’t finished because I’ve been too busy fucking around with WordPress.
Guess what again. I bought more yarn. A whole hour before it even became Sunday, the Day of Unnecessary Yarn Purchases.
Why? Why?! I’ll tell you why. This… thing:
IT HAUNTS ME. I wantssss it, precioussss. (Sorry. That just slipped out.) I’ve been obsessively browsing online for Rowan Felted Tweed, and Elsebeth Lavold Silky Wool which seems like a good (cheaper!) sub. But I’ve bought a lot of yarn lately. I’ll wait, I thought, the pattern isn’t going anywhere, and if I wait long enough there will be a really good sale on Felted Tweed or Silky Wool, and then I’ll get it. Good plan, isn’t it?
Except that there is a really good sale on Silky Wool RIGHT NOW, at Webs. So I got the damn yarn. I’m a bit worried that the colour I picked (#43) will be too dark to show cablework, but if so, I have other plans for the yarn. (cackle cackle)
I’m terrified, though, that the shipping costs to Canada will be so astronomical that they’ll negate any savings, and Webs doesn’t calculate costs in the cart so I have no idea what they’ll be. They charge actual shipping plus $1, so I know they won’t screw me, but the USPS might – I keep hearing that international shipping costs have gone way up. I’ve ordered from the US recently, since the shipping hike, and the envelopes have shown postage around $4 or $5, but IF ANYTHING CAN GO WRONG IT WILL AAAAAAAH.
Okay, that’s quite enough of my neuroses.
Hopefully my next entry will either be “yay I’m switching to WordPress now!” or “yay Maddy is done!”. Hopefully it will not be “boo Webs charged me $21 for shipping and I will go cry now!”
(sniffle, sob)
Weeeee, I’m switching webhosts! Er, right now. Like, I’m going to go change the name servers over now.
So things may be mildly b0rked for the next, oh, 24-72 hours. Not severely b0rked, though, because I’m just going to re-upload my Blogger blog to the new host for now. The severe b0rkage will come when I switch it over to WordPress, but that isn’t happening quite yet.
b0rk!
I’ve decided what to do about the monster hat. I’m going to rewrite the pattern completely – instead of trying to match my hat exactly – and then test-knit the new version. Because the only thing better than owning one ridiculous head-eating monster is owning two ridiculous head-eating monsters.
Of course I have no yarn. Some stasher I am. I rummaged through my yarn bin and the only appropriate thing I found was a gold-ish ball of Elann’s Highland Wool. Thing is, I’m not sure 109 yards is enough for a hat with earflaps and i-cord ties, and if I buy another ball I’ll have to place an Elann order, and if I place an Elann order, I will buy EVERYTHING.
I have to go to Michaels to get some giant googly eyes, so I suppose I’ll just pick up a ball of Patons Classic Wool. Yes. Must be good. *twitch*
Maddy is almost done. Its pattern is, um, not.
Fifi is nowhere close to being almost done, possibly because I’ve been ignoring it and it stubbornly refuses to knit itself. But I’ve at least split the sleeves off and started the body.
My ball of Royal Bamboo has spontaneously sprouted a mouth (not pictured), and is using said mouth to yell at me for not knitting with it yet. But I have promised myself that I won’t start anything new until Maddy is done. No bamboo headband, no Monster Hat II: Electric Cliché-a-loo, no doing evil Diamond Mesh Lace type things to that skein of Mini Maiden in the yarn bin. I will be good. I will be good.
P.S. I fail at being good. It’s Sunday and I ordered yarn again. I only spent $25, and got something I’ve wanted for a long time, so I don’t feel too guilty, but – what is it about Sundays? I wonder if I can set my computer to block all yarn shops on Sundays.
I’m not saying what I bought, because it should make for some lovely yarn pr0n when it arrives.
My completely unnecessary yarn order arrived yesterday. I guess I’m officially a stasher now. Is there an initiation rite to the Order of the Stash? Does it hurt? Does it involve The Paddling of the Swollen Ass… With Paddles?
The Euroflax is definitely brown, not red. But it’s a really pretty shade of brown, so I’m not too disappointed. I’d say that it seems to have a rosy glow from within, except that I’d clearly be insane. It’s yarn. It doesn’t glow. I’m just trying to convince myself that I don’t mind that it isn’t red, because it’s MAGIC GLOWING YARN. Which it isn’t. Shut up, brain. But it sure is purty.
And then there’s the Plymouth Royal Bamboo, which is a strange little yarn. It’s very soft and quite nice to look at, but it has sort of a flimsy, cheap feel to it. I’m not sure how well it’s going to hold up to the mess of cables and lace I plan to put it through.
What mess, you ask? Well, this mess:
Guess what: I know nothing about charts. I have used one chart, ever, in my knitting life – a cable chart for Rusted Root. I certainly don’t know how to chart things myself. So of course it seemed like a brilliant idea to chart an improvised headband design full of cables and lace and weird slip stitch edgings as my very first chart attempt. What could possibly go wrong?
Ha. I thought, oh, this will be a piece of cake. I just download a knitting symbols font, find a site with knitting symbol standards, and I’m set. Except, there are no knitting symbol standards. Apparently I could use a Hamburglar for knits, and a stack of blueberry pancakes for purls, and as long as I include a legend identifying those symbols, I’m good.
And then there’s the less-silly-making-but-equally-irritating problem of charting permanent increases/decreases (ie. not the lace-kind that are eventually evened out with decreases/increases) that aren’t on the edges of the chart. Do I use blank squares, or do I just allow rows not to line up right once in a while? I went for the latter, as you can probably tell, because it seemed ridiculous to have a chart that looked like a rectangle when the actual knitted object would be squished skinny at both ends. But isn’t the whole point of charts that stitches should line up? Aaarrrrrgh. No, the whole point of charts is to make me very angry. Now I know.
I do want to write up this pattern, assuming that the FO doesn’t look like ass – sorry, bamboo-based ass substitute – so I will have to get the chart sorted out somehow. I’ll write up line-by-line instructions but honestly visual instructions are going to be much easier to follow. Or they would, if they were charted by somebody who knows what they’re doing.
A week of procrastination and a bottle of Fray Check later, here it is!
Pattern: Coachella
Size: XS (hee hee hee)
Yarn: Romni Wools Pure Silk in colour 12551, 3 balls
Needles: US 9 and US 7
Baaaaaaaaa!
That is me, being a pattern-following sheep. And I love it! Not that I’m going to stop modifying every pattern in sight, or stop saying “fuck the pattern, I’m just gonna improvise it”. It’s just a nice break, is all. It’s especially nice when the pattern only requires 400 yards or so of yarn, and a few days of obsessive knitting. And it’s really especially nice when the FO turns out to be pretty damn hot.
Even the phantom backfat has left me alone; no doubt it has found a new target to stalk. Keep an eye on your cameras, folks, your back could be next. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!
Look ma, no backfat!
So yes, there were mods, little ones.
· There was knitting the whole thing a size too small. I highly recommend this, as long as your yarn can stand a bit of stretching. I always have trouble with knits fitting at the bust but being too loose around the waist. Why, I have no idea, because I have neither a giant bust nor a tiny waist. But with this top’s unusual construction, going a size down meant it fit at the waist, fit at the bust, and the neck drape was perfect – tantalizingly low, but not quite “HAY EVERYBODY, SEE MY TITS?” low. Now if you do this, and happen to have hips, you will need…
· Added hip increases. Now, there is an awesome song by Deirdre Flint, called The Boob Fairy. It contains these lines:
Though the hip fairy came two times
And the thigh fairy came three
The boob fairy never came for me
I hear ya, sister. I think I am going to have to take out a restraining order against the hip and thigh fairies, because they won’t leave me alone.
The pattern calls for 3 sets of increases. I did 6 sets. Yes, that’s right, that’s almost 3 inches of extra hip. Because my hips are giant. They are giant hips. You will probably not need 3 extra sets, but maybe 1 or 2. Unless you have giant hips. Like my giant hips. Then go for 3. Because giant hips require DOUBLING THE FREAKING NUMBER OF INCREASES. I’m not bitter.
· I also left out the waist decreases, mostly because it was only a half-inch decrease for the XS size, and since it was already a size too small I figured there was no need to make it smaller. Worked out fine, but I imagine it would be best to leave them in for larger sizes, where it’s more than a half-inch difference.
I’ve noticed that the top wants to slide down enough to show my bra. It was still a little damp when I tried it on, so I’m hoping it will be a bit lighter and less influenced by gravity when it’s completely dry. If not, I’ll probably have to break out the (dun dun DUN) backless-bra-conversion straps. Or pick up stitches along the armholes and make ’em smaller, but I like the way they look now, so I’ll probably go the torture-bra route.
The yarn is still delicious. I am a silk whore, I think. What can I say, I love shiny things.
Who knew that a knit top could qualify as club wear?
(Half) Asses and Monsters and Beer, Oh My!
Monsters are a problem. Sometimes they eat your head, and sometimes they refuse to be written up into a pattern. Right now I would happily let this particular monster gnaw on my brains for awhile if it would just tell me how the hell the decreases on the top of its head work.
I am having waaaay more trouble than I should with mentally dissecting that hat. I’d only been knitting a few months when I made it, so I couldn’t have done anything too wacky. I know how to read my knitting – usually – but this durn hat critter thing seems to melt into an amorphous yarn blob whenever I try to pick out the stitches I used. Graaah. Monsters.
I added my first pattern to Ravelry today – the Vicious Gnauga Backpack, naturally – and it’s all very odd. Pattern source, asked the form, and I filled in “Half-Assed Patterns”. And cackled. If I ever get my shit together on this whole designing thing, I will really have to come up with a better name than Half-Assed Patterns. I mean, it doesn’t exactly fill a prospective knitter with confidence.
Oh well, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Which will likely not be for a very long time, if I’m currently being foiled by a little red monster. Not even a complicated design, but a hat with eyes and teeth. How embarrassing.
And if when I conquer the monster hat, next in line to be written up is Maddy. Ask me how I’m going to turn this mess into a pattern…
The correct answer is: BEER.
Don’t tell me that’s not an answer. It’s totally an answer.
I did not just buy more yarn.
Except, I totally did.
I should stay away from online yarn shops on Sundays. For some reason, Sundays are always when I go and order things I don’t need. Anyway, it was on sale. I am at least good about only buying yarn when I am getting a good deal. I got 3 skeins of Euroflax sport weight linen in Cedarwood, which according to the intarnets is either brownish red or reddish brown. I am hoping for brownish red, but I can live with reddish brown. It will become a lacy cardigan of some sort. I’ve heard good things about this yarn, so I am excited, weee! Also a skein of Plymouth Royal Bamboo, in Coral, just to see what knitting with bamboo is like. I’ll make a headband or something with it. As you can see, I’m back to my old colour habits. Oh, well. I’ll knit with any colour yarn as long as it’s red or coral!
Gah. I am becoming a stasher. Ohnoes! At least I have projects in mind, if vague ones.
In other news, I hate Blogger. Well, that’s not news. I have always hated Blogger, for many reasons. But right now it’s the comments thing that’s driving me nuts. As in, I can’t reply to them unless people have their email set to visible, which most people don’t (and I can understand why). Sometimes I go to people’s blogs and reply there, but it’s so clumsy, and anyway I don’t want to clutter people’s blogs with “haaaay thanks for visiting me, now here is a reply that is a total non sequitur to anyone who reads your blog but not mine”.
I love when people comment, and I want to be able to acknowledge those comments. If people took the time to comment, then I want to take the time to reply!
I can’t run WordPress or Movable Type on my current web hosting plan. In fact, I can’t run squat on my current web hosting plan, unless it doesn’t require a database. This has been bugging me for awhile and maybe it’s finally time to suck it up and go through the mess of switching web hosts.
So if anyone reading this is running WordPress, etc. on their own domain, I’d love recommendations for a reliable, inexpensive web host. (I saw several linked on WordPress’s site that have everything I need for 7 bucks a month, which sounds fine to me – but I don’t know anything about those hosts, so I’m hoping someone else does.) SAVE ME FROM THE TYRANNY OF BLOGGER! ALLOW ME TO REPLY TO COMMENTS AND ABUSE TAGS!
(Yeah, that’s another thing, self-hosted Blogger blogs don’t do tags/labels quite right. It saddens me that I can’t abuse tags without making a big mess. I am compensating by tagging my projects on Ravelry with “thisprojectisouttogetme”.)
This entry fails because it contains no pictures. So here is a picture of a giant kitten in a yarn shop:
Sadly, it is not breathing fire or eating demons yet. I’ll work on that.
What do you mean, kittens aren’t made of silk?
I return from Harry Potter exile! (Don’t worry, no spoilers here.) I managed to remain completely unspoiled by avoiding the Intarwebs Of Spoilage as much as possible. I’d like to blame my lack of blogging on that, but the truth is, I’m deeply, deeply lazy. (Sorry, Mae!) This shouldn’t come as a surprise – see the blog name.
Coachella is done…
… but not done done. Can’t wear it until it’s washed and blocked, and can’t do that until I weave in the ends and snip them, and can’t do that because the blasted ribbon yarn is fraying. There’s always something. So I need to get me some Fray Check or whatever it’s called, and I have no idea where to find it, as there are no real sewing shops around here. It’ll be done. Eventually. And then there will be a proper FO post, and I will complain about having to double the amount of hip increases. Not the pattern’s fault. My giant hips’ fault.
So, that done, I rescued Maddy from the yarn bin. The other day I noticed that three people had it listed as a favourite on Ravelry, even in its pathetic WIP state. It occurred to me that people might actually want to knit this thing, and I really ought to get off my lazy (half) ass and finish it, and get a pattern written up. Aaaah! Pressure!
A few weeks in seclusion did it good, because it no longer looks like hot buttered ass to my eyes. I don’t know whether it underwent some sort of metamorphosis in there, or whether I’m just less of an obsessive perfectionist critical of it, but now it looks an awful lot like a cute lacy top. It’s back on the needles…
… and holy god, I had forgotten what it’s like to knit with Silk Purse. I love the silk ribbon yarn I used for Coachella (fraying aside), but I have to admit it’s not the most softest of silks. Now Silk Purse, on the other hand, is like knitting with kittens, if kittens were made of yarn and not, you know, kitten. You’re a kitty, Silk Purse! Yes you are! Yes you aaaaare!
I know it’s going to stretch.
I know it’s going to pill and fuzz.
I know I will be ready to feed it to a kitten at some point. A giant kitten. With sharp, pointy teeth. A giant, fire-breathing, demon-eating kitten. Wait, I want one of those. To do my bidding. Nobody will mess with me if I have a giant kitten.
I’m sure I had a point here, but now I just want to go looking for a giant kitten.
I do not have a perfect body. Far, far from it. I have allowed myself to get out of shape lately, and it doesn’t look very good on me. By all rights I should not be able to wear a top like Coachella. So imagine my pleasant surprise when I tried on my WIP, and not only did it fit, but it fit in a “damn, baby, I’m hot!” sort of way.
Delighted, I hopped off to photograph it for blogginess. The front photographed fine using my camera’s timer, but then I gave the back a try.
Oh dear. We have backfat. We have backfat, and lots of it. But wait! I knew I had checked the back out in the mirror, and it looked fine, and not at all like it was drowning in endless ripples of fatty, fatty backfat. Right? I checked again, and was reassured that the backfat situation was well under control. Sure, I’ve got some. See aforementioned “out of shape” admission. But judging from the photo, you’d think I had enough with which to sculpt a small hippopotamus. Maybe a large hippopotamus. Nah, let’s be realistic, a small one.
I have long sworn that cameras are evil. I’m not photogenic at all – I am beyond un-photogenic – I have posted a few face-showing pics on this blog, I think, and none of them were flattering, and those were the good ones. But usually the camera restricts its evil to my face, and now it has moved on to creating phantom backfat? This won’t do at all.
It was time to turn to drastic measures.
It was time for… the dreaded mirror photoshoot.
My mirror-pics always look mucky and blurry (maybe I should clean my mirror) and I hate to resort to them, but it was the only way I could look at the camera’s display while taking the picture, and thus thwart its evil backfatty plans. And you can’t argue with results, because now I have WIP pics that will (hopefully) not horrify anybody:
It isn’t all drapey in the front like most of the other ones I’ve seen, but I think I prefer it this way. Seems easier to wear somehow, and also won’t give the world a boobie peep-show, which is probably for the best. (I am sure there are people who will argue with that point, but their argument is probably based around wanting to see my boobies, so I think I can safely disregard it.)
And guess what. Other than leaving out the half-inch of waist shaping – because it’s about 5 inches too small already, and frankly I have no idea how or why it fits at all – I have followed the pattern as written. I never do this! I feel so lazy! I… kind of like it. Oh dear.
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you…
Coachella: the obsession.
I’ll just do the in-the-round neck bit, I said, and then I’ll return my 24″ circs to Fifi. And then, well, I may as well start the back-and-forth bit, I can use different needles for that. And now, okay, let’s start the final in-the-round section, just to see if it fits, then I can slip it onto scrap yarn and finally give those needles back to Fifi.
Ahem. Yeah.
But then I went and tried it on too soon. Only a few rows into the body, so the newly-cast-on underarm stitches were straining. And it was small. Very small. I squeezed into it without a problem, but there was stretching and lots of it.
Me: It looks tiny, but this size is supposed to stretch to fit a 32″ bust.
Brain: Do you have a 32″ bust?
Me: Um, well, no, not as such…
Brain: And what size is your bust, hmm?
Me: I don’t know, maybe about 35″?
Brain: Are you aware that 35 is a larger number than 32?
Me: Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip.
I purposely knit it a size too small, because whenever I knit my size, it’s too big. Plus, it’s silk yarn, so it will grow after washing. But will it? It’s not normal yarn, it’s this weirdly constructed tape yarn, so I have no idea how it will behave. I didn’t bother washing my swatch, because my swatches lie like a lying liar anyway.
What I do know, what I have no doubt about, is that if I had knit the S, it would be too big. And now the XS may or may not be too small. Do you even have to ask why I’m convinced that my knitting is out to get me?
So I need to relax, and knit a couple of inches into the body, and then try it on again for a more accurate does-it-fit-or-will-I-stab-myself-in-the-eyes assessment.
I do love the yarn.
It’s a world of difference from the Alchemy Silk Purse I’m using for Maddy. Not that I’m shitting on Silk Purse. I love Silk Purse, it’s gorgeous and soft and a tactile pleasure to knit with, it’s just not the most… practical… of yarns. This one feels sturdy, and strangely-but-pleasantly crunchy, and still has that gorgeous silk sheen. Assuming it washes and wears decently, I would be all over using it again.
So. More paranoia: my Vicious Gnauga Backpack is up for voting in the Craftster knitted monster challenge. (It’s not going to win. Last I checked, it was being soundly clobbered by at least two other monsters. But I may as well vote-whore anyway.)
The last challenge I entered, I posted about 6 pictures of my entry. When the voting rolled around, the picture used for the poll was the tiniest, blurriest, crappiest picture of all of them. The hell, said I, but I didn’t much care, because it was a crappy entry anyway.
This time, I click on the voting thread, and instead of my backpack, I see this:
Buh? So I then decided that the knitting moderator and/or all of Craftster and/or THE ENTIRE WORLD was on a mission to thwart my attempts to enter knitting challenges by selecting the most inappropriate pictures of my entries. I MUST WREAK REVENGE! REVENGE ON THEM ALL! THEY WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF MY ANGER AND MY MONSTER BACKPACK AND MY RAPIDLY AND SUSPICIOUSLY EXPANDING BOOBIES (yes, I’m still on about that). NO ONE WILL BE SPARED! NO ONE!
And then I regained my sanity, and PM’d the moderator to point out the picture error. Turns out it was a total accident, and she very nicely apologized and fixed it right away.
I AM A GOOBER. The end.
