half-assed knit blog
half-assed knit blog
half-assed knit blog
December, 2007

FO: Freakmittens

Well, I knit the damn mittens. And I was right to fear them.


Pattern: mostly pulled out of my ass, but used Plaid Mittens as a guide and stole the finger opening of Peekaboo
Size: to fit freakishly skinny long hands
Yarn: SWTC Gianna, 2 balls (the small 41.5m balls)
Needles: US 10.5


Yeah, they look innocent, don’t they? Cute, warm, cozy. But there’s a problem. There’s a big problem. Maybe more of a big-and-small problem. Can you see it?


How about now?

They were knit with the same yarn, with the same needles, with the same exact non-pattern (I counted stitches obsessively to be sure), something like one or two days apart with no other projects in between and thus no opportunity for my gauge to go wonky. And one is clearly larger than the other. Freak! Freeeeaaak! Keep your children away from the freakmittens!

Step right up, and see the yarn that spawned the freakmittens! Keep well back from its cage; it doesn’t like strangers!


On your left, ladies and gentlemen, is the yarn left over from the ball of yarn used for the first mitten. On your right, ladies and gentlemen, is the yarn left over from the purportedly identical ball of yarn used for the second mitten. Directly in front of you, ladies and gentlemen, is an angry knitter saying “What the fucking fuck?”

You see, ladies and gentlemen- yeah, okay, I’ll stop that now. You see, the two balls of yarn were not only the same yarn, but were from the same dyelot. The two balls of yarn were not only from the same dyelot, but from the same bag. But when I was knitting the first mitten, I was thinking, hey, this is a weirdly dense fabric on 10.5s and the ball band recommends 10s, what the hell are they smoking? And while knitting the second mitten, I thought, hmm, I don’t know what I was complaining about, this yarn knits up perfectly fine on 10.5s. I thought maybe I was just getting used to the yarn. But when the second mitten looked to be knitting up munchkin-sized, I started to see the horrible truth.

Could it be that one ball of yarn was actually thicker than the other ball of yarn?


I’m not crazy, right? The one on the right looks a bit thinner?

The first mitten’s fabric feels thicker, kind of quilted, while the second feels like normal knitted fabric. The difference is really noticeable. I pulled out a third ball of yarn from the bag and it seems to match the second ball, the thinner one. Maybe the fourth ball will be thicker again. Maybe the fifth ball will be Fun Fur! Okay, now I’m getting angry.

So I think, maybe they’re not that different in the pic, and maybe I’m imagining things, and I pick up the remnants of the second ball and it falls apart in my hands. Into two mini-balls that were apparently wound into one. And one is thick and one is thin.


From the left, Ball One (thick), Chunk of Ball Two (thin), Other Chunk of Ball Two (thick). I’m not imagining things, those are clearly different. The thick bit of Ball Two (which I guess I never reached in the course of knitting the mitten) kind of matches Ball One. The thin bit… doesn’t.


Because for once (ha), this is not my fault. I didn’t screw up the knitting. The mittens look exactly like they’re supposed to, except that they’re made in two different yarns that claim to be the same yarn! What what what crapmonkey crappy crap is this? And you know, I actually liked the yarn. It’s pretty and soft and cozy, but now I will never be able to trust it.

You deceived me, yarn! How could you to this to me?! WAAAAAH!

I don’t know what to do with the freakmittens. Both of them fit okay and don’t feel all that different when worn, but the little obsessive voice in my head is going the mittens must be identical or I will kill you in your sleep. (I’m already angry at that voice for pointing out my Giant Left Boob. Now my Tiny Right Boob has quite the inferiority complex, thanks to that voice.) I could frog Mitten One and re-knit it with Ball Three, but I have no guarantee that Ball Three will match Ball Two, and even if it does it could turn into Ball One thickness halfway through and GAH I knew I should have been suspicious when Elann was selling a whole bag of this freakyarn for like 20 bucks.

Fear the mittens.


This Post Is Brought To You By The Words “Mittens” And “Suck”

Haven’t been blogging. Blah blah family member recovering from surgery needs lots of care no time to knit or blog etc. blah blee. (Yeah, this is not a personal blog, so I won’t go into detail.) So yeah. And now I’m behind on emails and comment replies yet again and will probably just let a few get ignored. And the promised raglan tutorial has gotten pushed aside, but it’s coming, I swear. I’m just tired and stressed and also I am hating hospitals right about now.

But I’ve finally picked up my knitting again and I will make it all up to you with…



What am I doing with horrible yellow acrylic? Evil things, no doubt? Getting ready to pair it with fun fur and create a poncho? I think the Legendary Fun Fur Poncho is at the top of my mental list of horrifying things to knit. But no, that’s not what I’m doing with horrible yellow acrylic.

I’m just playing with stitch patterns, that’s all. Perfectly innocent.


What I should be knitting is mittens, but I’m not. Instead, I’m getting ready to knit up my skein of Lady Godiva into a scarf. After my horrible yellow acrylic experiments (which look like ass, but are still enough to get the information I needed), I’ve already charted and written up most of a scarf pattern, which will be posted if it turns out well. I seem to be having good FO luck lately, so the yarn gods are on my side.

What’s that, yarn gods? No, I will not sacrifice my Lady Godiva to you. It’s mine. Go away.

Great, now they’re going to be angry and wrathful. That’s all I need.

What I really do need is mittens, but I’m procrastinating. I even found a nice simple pattern, but… I’m procrastinating. Because I’ll have to alter any nice simple pattern for my freakish long skinny hands. My cold hands that need mittens. Sigh. At 3 sts/inch I could probably finish them in a single day. How badly do I suck?

(Don’t answer that.)

What I really don’t need is a vest, but I’m working on the Back to School vest anyway.


Er, make that almost finishing the Back to School vest. That thing is a quick knit. All I have left is the neck and armhole edgings, and the happy fun time that is weaving in ends. I’d go ahead and get those done, except that I loathe picking up stitches along curved edges. The question is, is picking up those stitches preferable to making mittens? Tough call, very tough call. So much hatred, so little time…

The vest sort of fits. It also sort of doesn’t fit. It is right in that murky zone of “it fits but we’ll see what happens after a wash and a block and the added edgings ’cause it also might be too big HAHAHA SUCK ON THAT”. I don’t think the vest can talk, but “hahaha suck on that” is exactly what it would say if it could. I’m not sure what it wants me to suck, but I assume it would be speaking metaphorically anyway.

You know what would be even quicker than a vest? Mittens! I suck I suck I suck.