FO: Freakmittens
Well, I knit the damn mittens. And I was right to fear them.
Pattern: mostly pulled out of my ass, but used Plaid Mittens as a guide and stole the finger opening of Peekaboo
Size: to fit freakishly skinny long hands
Yarn: SWTC Gianna, 2 balls (the small 41.5m balls)
Needles: US 10.5
Yeah, they look innocent, don’t they? Cute, warm, cozy. But there’s a problem. There’s a big problem. Maybe more of a big-and-small problem. Can you see it?
How about now?
They were knit with the same yarn, with the same needles, with the same exact non-pattern (I counted stitches obsessively to be sure), something like one or two days apart with no other projects in between and thus no opportunity for my gauge to go wonky. And one is clearly larger than the other. Freak! Freeeeaaak! Keep your children away from the freakmittens!
Step right up, and see the yarn that spawned the freakmittens! Keep well back from its cage; it doesn’t like strangers!
On your left, ladies and gentlemen, is the yarn left over from the ball of yarn used for the first mitten. On your right, ladies and gentlemen, is the yarn left over from the purportedly identical ball of yarn used for the second mitten. Directly in front of you, ladies and gentlemen, is an angry knitter saying “What the fucking fuck?”
You see, ladies and gentlemen- yeah, okay, I’ll stop that now. You see, the two balls of yarn were not only the same yarn, but were from the same dyelot. The two balls of yarn were not only from the same dyelot, but from the same bag. But when I was knitting the first mitten, I was thinking, hey, this is a weirdly dense fabric on 10.5s and the ball band recommends 10s, what the hell are they smoking? And while knitting the second mitten, I thought, hmm, I don’t know what I was complaining about, this yarn knits up perfectly fine on 10.5s. I thought maybe I was just getting used to the yarn. But when the second mitten looked to be knitting up munchkin-sized, I started to see the horrible truth.
Could it be that one ball of yarn was actually thicker than the other ball of yarn?
I’m not crazy, right? The one on the right looks a bit thinner?
The first mitten’s fabric feels thicker, kind of quilted, while the second feels like normal knitted fabric. The difference is really noticeable. I pulled out a third ball of yarn from the bag and it seems to match the second ball, the thinner one. Maybe the fourth ball will be thicker again. Maybe the fifth ball will be Fun Fur! Okay, now I’m getting angry.
So I think, maybe they’re not that different in the pic, and maybe I’m imagining things, and I pick up the remnants of the second ball and it falls apart in my hands. Into two mini-balls that were apparently wound into one. And one is thick and one is thin.
From the left, Ball One (thick), Chunk of Ball Two (thin), Other Chunk of Ball Two (thick). I’m not imagining things, those are clearly different. The thick bit of Ball Two (which I guess I never reached in the course of knitting the mitten) kind of matches Ball One. The thin bit… doesn’t.
I AM ANGRY!
Because for once (ha), this is not my fault. I didn’t screw up the knitting. The mittens look exactly like they’re supposed to, except that they’re made in two different yarns that claim to be the same yarn! What what what crapmonkey crappy crap is this? And you know, I actually liked the yarn. It’s pretty and soft and cozy, but now I will never be able to trust it.
You deceived me, yarn! How could you to this to me?! WAAAAAH!
I don’t know what to do with the freakmittens. Both of them fit okay and don’t feel all that different when worn, but the little obsessive voice in my head is going the mittens must be identical or I will kill you in your sleep. (I’m already angry at that voice for pointing out my Giant Left Boob. Now my Tiny Right Boob has quite the inferiority complex, thanks to that voice.) I could frog Mitten One and re-knit it with Ball Three, but I have no guarantee that Ball Three will match Ball Two, and even if it does it could turn into Ball One thickness halfway through and GAH I knew I should have been suspicious when Elann was selling a whole bag of this freakyarn for like 20 bucks.
Fear the mittens.
You’re all kinds of awesome, and not just cuz you rant like I do. I’ve been lurking here awhile and you always make me laugh in a way that probably scares those in earshot.
Maybe your evil yarn just tried to eat another ball of yarn in the bag while no one was looking…you really shouldn’t leave yarn lying around that long or it tends to get all crazy antsy and starts cannibal(l)izing it’s innocent little toothless buddies.
Maybe the one big mitt and one little mitt will help the Giant Left Boob and the Tiny Right Boob come to some sort of truce…it’s all about balance. Or you could wear them on your boobs! Boob warmers with convenient nipple holes, kinda like reverse pasties…err yeah.
I think the holidays are getting to me, no more boob talk for me. Love your blog. Aren’t you glad I don’t have one? hehe
15 Dec 2007 at 7:36 pmOr you could always frog both mittens and reknit them, and use alternate balls for alternate rows…
…and then go crazy doing it, because who would NOT be driven to drooling by having to alternate skeins of a solid coloured yarn?
15 Dec 2007 at 8:46 pmI know that voice – must be the same than in my head: “I don’t care if you messed this up yourself or someone else did! Just Make.It.Perfect.”
Or: “Nobody wil see that mistake?!? I will!!”
And no idea how to shut it up…
BTW, I really enjoyed your bamboozled- pattern!
Eva
16 Dec 2007 at 5:21 amThe Cure:
1. Drink a shot of Scotch.
2. Look at mittens and laugh heartily.
3. Have some more Scotch.
This usually helps me when knitting goes awry.
16 Dec 2007 at 10:18 amyou make me too happy with your hilarious insanity.
“the mittens must be identical or I will kill you in your sleep. (I’m already angry at that voice for pointing out my Giant Left Boob. Now my Tiny Right Boob has quite the inferiority complex, thanks to that voice.)”
Snort.
I’m so sorry your mittens turned out freak though, really. I was one of the people saying GO DO MITTENS! sigh, and here you are with freakmittens. I echo stepho’s comments re: scotch.
16 Dec 2007 at 1:17 pmOh damn, I’ve had that happen to me. Almost, anyway. My tweedy mittens did not end up the same size at all. They *look* alike, but they aren’t. The thumbs aren’t even the same, even though the number of rounds done is the same. Bah…
They’re too long, too baggy, too weird and the fabric isn’t dense enough to make them just a little bit wind-proof. *sigh* Super expensive yarn apparently makes stupid mittens. I’m trying to pass them onto my boyfriend, but he doesn’t want them… Nor does my brother. I don’t know anyone else whose hands they’ll fit, so I just walk around with them in my pockets! At least they keep my keys and library card from falling out, so I guess they’re good for something, right?
Mittens do suck. Next time, I’m SO doing gloves!
16 Dec 2007 at 5:26 pmI love you.
17 Dec 2007 at 4:37 amThat is all.
Knit a third freakmitten! It might maybe if-you-hope-real-hard match one of the already freakmittens in existence… okay, then you’ll need to knit a four freakmitten otherwise the voice in your head will eat you in your sleep.
17 Dec 2007 at 4:40 pmCan you stretch out the smaller mitten by blocking it? I’m sure that’s super frustrating!
17 Dec 2007 at 5:22 pmEveryone else has said it all, and I’m talking ‘ALL’.
18 Dec 2007 at 9:33 amThere used to be three UFOs in your sidebar…. now there are two. What did you finish? *suspicious squinting in your general direction*
27 Dec 2007 at 1:18 amWhat Kerri said: Stuff the big one in the the right hand side of your bra, the small one in the left hand side and relax in balanced calm.
9 Jan 2008 at 6:18 pmDude, you are so freaking funny – and I can especially relate to this kind of awful. I had this happen with some yarn I bought cheap awhile ago… big mistake. It’s so unexpected – and I had exactly the same thing happen with a pair of mitts (although my pattern wasn’t so wicked ass cool!!).
Anyway, I love your blog. Solidarity sister – hope you throw the crappy yarn at someone evil.
15 Jan 2008 at 6:51 pm