half-assed knit blog
half-assed knit blog
half-assed knit blog

Patterny Goodness

Whew. Pattern for the Vicious Gnauga Backpack is finally written up, and here it is.

I decided to add an entire pattern section, thinking that maybe it will nudge me to write up more patterns. Right now only the backpack is there, but I’m going to move over the Instant Gratification Scarf pattern, and hopefully write up that damn monster hat pattern soon. Look at me, I’m a designer! Except, I’m totally not.

I have a new pattern brewing in my head, but it requires a skein of Handmaiden Mini Maiden, which I do not have. I am hoping one will magically appear if I close my eyes for awhile and then open them and look around, but so far nothing has happened. I suppose I’ll actually have to purchase one. The universe is so cruel.

FO: Vicious Gnauga Backpack

It’s done!


Pattern: my own, I am sloooowly writing it up here’s the pattern link, finally
Yarn: 2 balls Bernat Softee Chunky in Black, 4 balls Phentex Fashion Nine in Black, small amount of Patons Classic Wool in Winter White
Needles: size 11, size 6

The monster is the Vicious Gnauga from Kingdom of Loathing.

Isn’t it cute? And mean-looking? And fuzzy and cute? Clearly it had to be made into a knitted backpack. It’s only logical.


I had plenty more sewing mishaps while finishing it, of course. I CANNOT SEW FOR CRAP. I really can’t. I used to be able to, but I guess I’ve forgotten how. Plus, you try to sew things to thick furry fabric where you can’t see what you’re doing because the fur eats up your stitches. You’ll probably do better than me, but that doesn’t take much.

I sewed the straps on crooked, I sewed the pocket on (crooked) and in the process accidentally stitched the straps down to the middle of the bag. I know, right?

The stupid, stupid pocket that is now not sewed to the straps:

The stupid, stupid straps that are now not sewed to the pocket, and the relatively non-stupid drawstring:
IMG_4129.JPG IMG_4132.JPG

And yeah, slowly writing up the pattern. I finished this on Friday evening, I had the whole weekend to write up the pattern before I blogged the FO, and I didn’t. I put the “half” in “half-assed”. (I also put the “ass” in “half-assed”, thanks to both my sewing “skills” and my ample posterior.) But it will be written up, and posted, and if you decide to make one I really hope you are better at sewing than I am. Which, again, won’t take much.

What’s in the bag?

Why, it’s a whole crapload of Rowan Calmer! Yum.

Now that yarn is for a project that will require no sewing whatsoever. Hurrah!

Painful Monster Dental Surgery

Two things.

One: how in the hell do I reply to comments when Blogger apparently turned off everyone’s damn email display when it switched to “new” Blogger, and hardly anybody has turned it back on? Oh Blogger, how I loathe you.

I really need to switch webhosts so that I can install WordPress or something, but… effort.



Just have to sew in the little pocket (for keys and stuff), and finish and sew on the straps. Those straps are the most mind-numbingly boring things I have ever knitted. The pocket is the second most mind-numbingly boring thing. This is a Monster-Bag-Of-Masochism that I’m making here.

But never mind that. Let me tell you about the fun I had sewing on the face. I mean, the “fun”.

I started by grabbing a tooth, centering it perfectly, and merrily starting to sew. I was almost finished when I noticed… that I was sewing on a top tooth, and it’s the bottom teeth that should be centered. Um. Shit. Okay, rip that out, let’s start again. Off-center teeth for the top. Sew on one, sew on another.

Admired my work… and the teeth were crooked. Oh, goody. So I thought that I could rip out the left-side tooth and shift it slightly, and all would be well. I started ripping… and then noticed I was ripping out the right-side tooth.

… I am too stupid to live.

At this point I decided they were both crooked and ripped the damn things out. You know how sometimes you’re frustrated trying to get something to work, and you try and try and FAIL and eventually you just give up and throw it at a potted plant or something? Well, this was the knitted-monster-tooth equivalent of that.

Started over. This time I pinned all the teeth into place to make sure I actually put them where they were supposed to go.

The pins distorted the teeth and generally annoyed me so I ripped them out too.

Obviously I eventually got them sewed on, and they’re still crooked, but I don’t care. I moved on to the eyes, and it was more of the same.

Attached one eye, attached the other, held up the bag, noticed they were crooked. Okay, fine, at least this would be easier to fix than the teeth. Moved an eye down. Still too high. Moved it down again. Still a bit too high. Starting to wish I was high. Moved it down some more. Now too low. Are you kidding me, eye?

You can probably tell from the picture that they’re still wonky. I have decided not to care about this either. Apathy is the solution to all project mishaps.

I am really liking how the bag is turning out, wonky face aside, but let me tell you… if I ever make another one of these, I am making sure I’m drunk during the entire process. I think it will help.

And by the way, I will probably write up a pattern for this and post it. Because I know everyone will be lining up to make one after reading about how much “fun” I’m having with it.

Help, there’s a monster on my back!




That’s twisted cord, and it’s like… you take a bunch of yarn, and twist the crap out of it, and then fold it over and it twists around itself and STAYS THAT WAY. I don’t know how it stays that way. I assume leprechauns are involved somehow. And it takes no time at all to do. I know you all probably know about this already, but I didn’t, and it’s so very exciting.

See, I needed a drawstring for the monster backpack. Did I mention that the monster is going to be a backpack? I like functional monsters better than decorative ones. Anyway, drawstring, and I loathe I-cord so I googled for I-cord alternatives, thinking that I could do a crochet chain or something. And I found twisted cord. THIS IS LIKE ANGELS SINGING FROM THE HEAVENS, PEOPLE. I don’t know if you understand how much I hate I-cord. I should get one of those little machines where you turn a handle and it knits I-cord for you, and perhaps I will someday, but for now I don’t have to.

Here’s the body of the monster backpack. It doesn’t have a monster face yet, so I substituted a travel Hungry Hungry Hippos game in the photo, because they’re pretty much the same thing.


It’s for the Craftster June knitting challenge, which I’m really just using as an excuse to knit a monster. It’s not going to win anything, so that’s why I’m blabbing about it here instead of keeping it a SEEEECRET. It still needs a face, and straps, and a little pocket inside to hold keys and stuff. Maybe some legs too, so that it can do spirited monster dances when it thinks nobody is looking.

I told you I had a legitimate reason to purchase Fun Fur, dammit.