half-assed knit blog
half-assed knit blog
half-assed knit blog

Sweater of Hate

The yarn bin is a place of magical transformation. I stuffed a half-finished Maddy in there, looking like hot buttered ass, and a few weeks later it came out looking like a cute top.

Months ago, I stuffed the Fake-astanje Cardigan in the yarn bin. At the time, it was an adorable little sweater, only lacking some sleeves. Now winter looms, and along with frozen toes, frozen asses, and other frozen extremities that it’s best not to speak of, that means sweater-knitting. Time to reclaim that cardigan and give it some damn arms.

Little did I know that it would re-emerge from the yarn bin as a SWEATER OF HATE.

Let me tell you about Sweaters of Hate. They look pretty innocent. That’s part of their plan.


But don’t be fooled, they are objects of pure malevolence. They look like they’re going to fit you, but they don’t. And they don’t refuse to fit in some straightforward way. Of course not. They manage to be simultaneously too small and too big, and wrinkle in places where you know you didn’t put any extra fabric, and shrink in length if you look away for a moment, and then add fat to your upper arms. I don’t know where they get the fat.

They eat rows of knitting, too. I keep adding stitches to that first sleeve, and it doesn’t get any longer. It did at first. Just to lure me into a sense of complacence, I suspect. You think everything is going well, and you keep merrily knitting, and the sleeve doesn’t get any longer! By the time you notice, it’s too late!





This is my first long-sleeved sweater. How bad can sleeves be, I thought. They’re just a long, quick tube. AAAAAAGGGHGHGHGHH. DIE SLEEVES I HATE YOU WHY WON’T YOU KNIT YOURSELF HEEEEELP ME THE SLEEVES ARE EATING MY BRAAAAIINNN


You know what else Sweaters of Hate do? They make you ranty. Not about sleeves. Well, yes, about sleeves, but also about everything.

I belong to a few knitting communities on LiveJournal. I don’t post to them anymore, because they’re not very friendly. They look like they’re friendly, but then you inadvertently say something that might be offensive to 0.0037% of society and you can bet that that 0.0037% will read your post and tell you in no uncertain terms that you are a very bad person. Like jokingly calling the community a “hive mind”, apparently. I didn’t do that. But someone did, and a pack of knitting-community-wolves promptly descended on them, and this is why I don’t post there. But I keep them on my friends list to read, because sometimes there’s some good info, and plenty of decent people among the wolves.

But when the communities are not being unfriendly, they’re being far too friendly, by which I mean rewarding people for being extremely annoying, and if anybody points out that said person is being extremely annoying, this is what happens:

“OMG! I thought this community was supposed to be friendly! I was just trying to share my [insert annoying behaviour/opinion/blog-whoring here]! You’re all meanies! I’m taking my ball and going home!”

“Nooo! Don’t leave! We love you and your annoying behaviour! All those other people are just jellus haterz! Don’t listen to them!”

“Yay, my fishing for compliments worked and I got some attention! Now I’ll stay and continue my annoying behaviour!”

Gah, I have gone completely off on a tangent here, this isn’t even what I meant to write about. I assume the Sweater of Hate is responsible for this fit of ranting. It certainly has nothing to do with me being a cranky bitch.

Anyway. I’m being harsh with that example, because everyone appreciates a little attention, annoying behaviour is subjective, and we’re all guilty of it now and then. But those communities are strange. Attention-whoring seems to be embraced, accidentally saying something controversial means you’re a horrible person, and you must be Nice at all times, except when you’re being a bitch, but that’s okay because you’re actually a Nice Person telling off a Mean Person, and by the way, here’s a link to your blog and you really love to get comments!

Aaaah. That’s what I really wanted to talk about, blog-whoring, but I’ve gone off on a tangent again, and this entry is getting too damn long. Oh, Sweater of Hate, what have you done to me? Maybe it’ll help if I turn it sideways a bit.


Hmm. I don’t think that’s working. Maybe if I add some hippos to it.


I think that’s a little bit better. You know what, I’ll have to talk about blog-whoring another day because I think I’ve already used up my bitch quota for the day. What I will talk about instead is sweaters. OF HATE.

I hate you, sweater.

This is my second attempt at this sweater and I still hate it. I liked it when I sent it to yarn bin exile, so it’s possible that if I shove it back in the yarn bin for awhile, it’ll undergo another metamorphosis. I kind of want to frog the whole black bit and redo it in a different lace pattern. And redo those awful button bands because they look like… er… awful button bands, I guess. How many times am I going to have to frog this sweater?!

I’ve already given up on writing up a pattern for it. (Hm, I should take it off the patterns page.) Which is fine, really, because nobody wants to make a Sweater of Hate.

Yes, it’s going back to the yarn bin, and hopefully will take my rants with it. I think it’s time to take out the bag of Malabrigo. There’s no way something that delicious could ever turn into a Sweater of Hate.


I’m going to make this! How cute is that sweater? Cute. Totally cute. Not at all hateful. YAY!


  1. Kate says:

    Oh, yes. That thing that I hate about LJ communities. It’s true of all of them, sadly. The worst is when someone is being *actively* rude, and the comm is too “friendly” to ban them. Or when “friendly” = “no criticism of any kind allowed, not even the constructive kind because OMG THAT’S SOO MEEEEN!”

    Erm. Perhaps you’re not the only one being affected by the Sweater of Hate.

  2. Linda says:

    Haha, the drama about the one girl who referred to everyone in the community as a ‘hive mind’ was kind of amusing. Internet drama is so funny.

    Anyways, the Malabrigo looks yummy. :)

  3. jamie says:

    Ah yes. Banishing to the bin. I completely understand.

    And Malabrigo? Could totally stop wars. I’m just sayin’.

  4. Becca says:

    OMG! I am SO OFFENDED by those hippos! my uncle was killed by a rabid hippo! I AM SO NEVAR READING THIS AGEN!

    Yeah. that’s why I stopped posting (or commenting) on t-shirt surgery. and knitting comms. …and bento. but I have to get back into bento. even though the drama does not stop there. every lj comm inevitably ends up in OMGDRAMA.

    oh, and the hippos make that sweater full of win. I think if you ACTUALLY put hippos on it, you will want to knit the sleeves more (sleeves are amazing for when you watch movies, ’cause you donthave to think about knitting at all, ’cause it’s soooo mindless).

    or just frag the whole thing and go onto newer, yummier, less full-of-hate things.

  5. tarilyn says:

    OMG how funny! I agree, sleeves suck the big one. I must tell you that it is nearly impossible to knit anything hateful with Malabrigo. I just finished a scarf in that yarn, and it is by far the softest, most comfy thing ever. As for the Drops pattern, you must be plugged into the “hive mind” because that sweater recently popped up on my radar (thanks to a friend who also linked me to your blog. I like the hippos – too bad intarsia sucks even more than sleeves!

  6. Ladylungdoc says:

    Those hippos do have mighty short legs – wouldn’t need much in the way of sleeves at all! You could always knit both sleeves at once – and make time stand still!!!

  7. Kelly says:

    I agree with you 100% in terms of the whole “oh my god, give me attention, you guyz R so meen!” shit. Hence, I left the whole LJ and other such communities a while ago. Too much of that stuff for my taste. If I don’t put up with drama in real life, I’m certainly not going to put up with it online!

    Now, as for the sweater of hate. In the very least, the hippos make it just that much better.

  8. Annan says:

    Hey, I knit that sweater! It is truly awesome, and I promise it won’t eat your soul, except maybe for the collar which has a tendency to sneak up on you. Watch out for the collar, for it is of unspeakable evil. On the other hand, I think you’re about a thousand times better than me at knitting and probably will beat the collar into submission. Just don’t forget the button holes, like I did. D’oh.

  9. Kendyl says:

    Wow, I totally missed the hive mind drama. Ravelry sucks up most of my ‘pooter time these days. I thought “hive mind” was a completely acceptable bit of nomenclature? Anyway, I love the hippos. They make the sweater. Can’t hate a sweater with hippos on it, right?
    On another note, Malabrigo, yum! A sweater like that in Malabrigo would have me toasted in about a minute, here, though. I shall admire from a far…

  10. Vicki says:

    I laugh so hard every time you write “hot buttered ass.” It’s definitely my new favorite descriptor. I’m sorry the sweater’s not working out, but the hippos really do add something special. And the Drops cardigan is gorgeous!

  11. Shells says:

    Wolves knitting sheep’s clothing? LOL! I swear most internet communities take on remarkable similarities to what you describe here. Certainly brings out the best and worst in people!

    The bin contains fat, which the sweater absorbes and adds to you. Therefor, put that sweater back in the bin at your own risk!

  12. Alli says:

    The transformative powers of “The Bin” are not unknown to me. Though I rarely find my knits transformed for the better. Usually when I remove them from The Bin it is to rip them out and start completely over. Which isn’t so bad really, it’s for the best. I will be much happier re-knitting a sweater than having a Sweater of Hate that I won’t ever wear.
    However: Your Sweater of Hate looks cute. I am sad that it does not fit.
    On the other hand, I have seen nothing but adorable from that Drops Cardigan. It seems to fit and flatter many bodies.
    I think that malabrigo will be awesome no matter what you decide to do with it!