half-assed knit blog
half-assed knit blog
half-assed knit blog

The Dumb

I have, once again, run out of mindless knitting.

There was the Knotted Openwork Scarf, but it’s done. And I’m too lazy to photograph it and make its FO post. Photographing scarves is hard. That should be said in a “math is hard” talking Barbie type voice. Except math isn’t hard. I heart math. But photographing scarves is hard, because they’re all long and skinny and don’t suit a 4:3 aspect ratio. Also, lazy. Lazy lazy lazy. I have the dumb, people, I HAVE THE DUMB. Listen to the cat macro, for it is wise.

And then there was this.


So there was this time, back in university, when I was sitting in a really boring lecture. The kind where the professor reads the textbook to you in broken English and you pour coffee down your throat and desperately try to stay awake, long ago having given up on actually learning anything. And I was doodling, instead of taking notes. I was doodling a word in giant bubble letters. The word was this:


And so the guy sitting behind me peeks at my notebook, cracks up, taps me on the shoulder and says “can I borrow your notes?” Snerk.

The point to this non-story is that I am the type of person who will doodle BULLSHIT when I should be learning things, and will doodle MONSTER HAT when I should be knitting things, and will even draw pictures of monster hats when I already have a finished monster hat to work from and have absolutely no reason to sketch one out.

But I did knit the main head bit of Monster Hat II. Because it was mindless. I even wrote down the way I did the decreases. I even finished it while slightly drunk. I suspect I’ll lose any badass-drunken-knitting cred by mentioning that I was slightly drunk from sparkling wine. Oh, shush. It’s yummy.

Now it’s time to figure out how to knit teeth that don’t curl (no stockinette!) and don’t look like congealed ass (no garter stitch!). Noooo. Can’t brain. Dumb. So on to other things.

My library finally got Fitted Knits in and I picked up my on-hold copy today. I borrowed it to make the ubiquitous Back to School Vest. It looks like a lovely mindless knit, except that I haven’t figured out what yarn I want to use. Yarn angst! But the book is full of other yummy patterns, and the textured tunic caught my eye.


I thought about the naughty Fake-astanje Cardigan. I thought about how much I loathe it. Wouldn’t it be satisfying to frog the bastard (AGAIN) and attempt to make it into something cuter (AGAIN)? A quick photoshopping later…


Hmm. I don’t know. It might work, it might not, it’s hard to tell.

I’d have to rewrite the pattern a bit. Not only because it’s written for thicker yarn, but because, if I’m reading the pattern and schematic correctly, there is no waist shaping. Whaaaat? Okay, what kind of trickery did they pull on the sweater in the picture? If you turned that model around, would there be seventeen clothespins yanking the sweater into a fake fake fakey fake super-fitted shape? I think there would be!

Are you kidding me, pattern? You have the dumb, pattern. Oh god. The dumb is contagious. The pattern caught the dumb from me. If you’re reading this, you might catch the dumb from me too. Run away! Run away from the dumb!


  1. Glenna says:

    This post is for the win.
    I know _I_ definitely have the dumb. Well, and the lethargic, and the mopey.
    I can’t believe either that that pattern has no waist shaping! Say what? There’s gotta be somethin’ else going on…

  2. heatherfeather says:

    what about seed stitch teeth?

    and yay! for u-neck vests!! and yay for textured tunics! but seriously? no waist shaping? in a book called FITTED KNITS?!

  3. Floderten says:

    I can’t believe there’s no waist shaping in that tunic. I’ll have to check it out myself. Perhaps the bust stitch pattern stretches alot, and it’s really slim around the hip/waist part? Did that make sense?
    I really like the tunic in one colour, but that’s because I am really partial to tweed. ;)

    I think I have the dumb, too. But I don’t think I got it from you. :P I might have caught it at work, though. Seems to be a lot of dumb going around there..

  4. Julie says:

    I love that textured tunic you’re looking at (I’m waiting for my library to finally lend me their copy too!) and I’m so surprised that there’s no waist shaping- is it smaller needles, ribbing in the back- what’s going on?? Hmmm. Might need to check out the finished ones on ravelry and see what everyone’s got to say about that.

    And I support Heather on seed stitch teeth- I know some people hate seed stitch, but I think it rocks. Unless I mess up. Which almost always happens. Boooo.

  5. Lisa says:

    I think Stefanie Japel likes to use negative ease. There might not be any waist shaping because of that. :)

  6. Becca says:

    nnurrgghhh. you DID gave me the dumb! I no can has drafting done now. boo drafting.
    I do want monster hat pattern to be. because I’m too lazy to figure it out myself, although I know that I could probably make a reasonable facsimile. oooh, big words.

  7. Kelly says:

    Oh no, I don’t want the DUMB!

    Okay, I don’t understand that pattern. It’s:

    1. In a book called Fitted Knits; and
    2. Has no waist shaping, yet it perfectly clings to the body of the model?

    Something isn’t right about this. I DO suspect the 17 clothespins. What an infuriating picture. That’s worse than false advertising because you actually BOUGHT the book!

  8. Jennu says:

    Hmmm, yeah, I’d email Stephanie Japel and ask about the fit and waist shaping, etc. I checked on ravelry and there are 27 people who have made/are making this sweater. One person noted that she added waist shaping. But all the finished sweaters look fitted, so it looks like a case of negative ease.

    Still, I’d contact Stephanie and anyone you can find who’s made the sweater.

  9. Ladylungdoc says:

    Oh great! Now I have The Dumb too. Can someone tell me why Windows didn’t make me hit a button confirming that I wanted to open your blog post?

    Maybe I can blame The Dumb on Bill Gates…or should it be Al Gore – isn’t he the one that came up with The Internets?

  10. Nikki says:

    I’m so sorry for this, but I can’t let you go not knowing how you caught the dumb. It was me! I really meant to call every blogger whose blog I left a comment on, but I just couldn’t bear the awkward conversation.

    “hello, um remember me, that one night I stopped by your blog?”


    “well, you know, we didn’t use protection (i.e. you didn’t have comment moderation enabled) and i think i might have given you The Dumb”

    Don’t feel too bad. It’s pretty common and most stats say 60-70% of the population will get The Dumb at some point. It is absolutely *nothing* to be ashamed of!

    And oh yeah, “fitted” knits. It’s a lie.

  11. Christina says:

    Teeth that don’t curl: double knitting with a slip stitch edge.

  12. KitKnit says:

    Was googl’ng and saw your post about the Fitted Knits; might be able to answer a couple questions for U.

    The Back-to-School u-neck Vest uses stitch patterns and darts to create a fitted shape in the waist and bust.

    Here is a yarn suggestion for the Textured Tunic (picture on the cover). I used Di.VĂ© Autunno 2965 Chrysolite Green (this is what the yarn looks like: http://www.kitknit.ca/shop/product.php?productid=16144&cat=249&page=2). I love the yarn, it’s so, so soft and the pattern is a really nice shape, but I didn’t like the side button idea (near the hip line). I’ve unknit that lower part and the project is in the reknitting queue.

    P.s. if you like feminine, fitted silhouettes, check out the book Knitting Lingerie Style by Joan McGowan-Michael; Joan is a former lingerie designer.